[Excerpt from Ëlinyr's journal]
I'm not sure I'll ever become entirely used to having feelings. For roughly 90 years of my life, I didn't have them, and now I'm almost overwhelmed with emotions. Happiness from seeing how excited Junior is to see me when I get home from a day of teaching, anger when I hear of some injustice happening in the world that I wish I could fix, fear at the fact that despite the civil war ending, we still have an incredibly fearsome foe (who I dare not name) to face. How do races other than elves deal with it? How do they not simply go mad?
Then again, I guess they're born experiencing emotions, and are likely quite used to it, so I doubt it's as much of an issue with them as it is with me at this point. I must ask Alair at some point how he's dealt with having feelings and emotions.
Oh gods, speaking of feelings and Alair...
I've had dalliances in the past, but they were typically brief - and never involved feelings. After all, I was a sun elf, remember? Even if emotions were involved, they weren't expressed. But now, there are feelings when it comes to Alair. I find myself growing more and more attached to this man, this poet with an amazing gift for words. I often find myself reading through the poetry he sends in his letters (which I've collected in a lovely wooden box I found at a shop in the Copper District before all this civil war nonsense broke out). When I receive a letter from him, it's the highlight of my day - and when our paths cross in person, I delight in every moment we get to spend together. When I'd received a letter from Telovere, telling me Alair had gone missing while trying to retrieve information on Taslima's forces, the fear and worry that fell upon me almost literally hurt. Alair was in trouble, and if something were to happen to him, I don't think could bear it.
And of course I went to rescue him. I had to. I don't think I could live with myself if something happened to him because I didn't act. B'hari and Flint and others in the Guild helped me - after all, I'm just a thinblooded elf scholar, and while I've gotten better at fighting, I can't take on a large number of enemies myself. When we'd finally broken through the Nocturnal Empire's forces (who'd imprisoned the members of the Sultan's Might encamped by House Khazad, as well as Alair and others who the Sultan's Might had imprisoned), and I caught sight of him, I realized that I would do anything to keep him safe. Even though I'm just a thinblooded elf scholar. And when we rescued him, I felt such overwhelming relief. He was safe, and after undoing his bonds, when I looked into his eyes, for a few moments, it felt like all was right in the world. (Until I remembered that we were in the middle of a civil war, and then all those other emotions came crashing in.)
Is that what love is? Or part of what love is? I have no idea, as I don't think I've ever felt it before.
Good gods, am I in love with Alair?
And if I am, how do I tell him this?
I've studied magic for decades. I fight alongside the members of the Adventurers Guild, and can rain down meteors on my enemies. I've raised a sand dragon as a pet. I've even managed to successfully lead armies into battle against Taslima's forces. And yet when it comes to love, I'm as clueless as a first year student in Introduction to Evocations at the Royal Academy. I have no idea how to tell someone I experience intense emotions for them, and quite possibly love them, without being blunt and academic about it. And that's not romantic at all, I'm sure. I may not be experienced in love, but from observation, I know what not to do, at least.
If I dwell on this much more, I might cry from frustration. I wish I knew what to do, other than write a note that says simply "I love you, and I hope that doesn't scare you away", as I don't know if he feels the same towards me.
Gods, emotions are the worst at times. I mean, feeling emotions and being able to express them is still better than being a sun elf and at the mercy of my mother's whims (and oh gods do I have a story about my mother to write at a later date, suffice it to say that Obeah made my last interaction with her far more bearable than the one where she disowned me), but damn, it is so very rough at times to deal with these feelings. I mean, at one point I was so scared for Alair and so overwhelmed that I almost started crying. In front of the other guild members. Crying. In front of Flint and B'hari and Obeah and everyone else. I was so afraid for Alair, and worried about what might be happening to him at that very moment.
Oh gods.
I think maybe I am in love with Alair.
